Miscarriage, Mental Wellness, and the Meaning of Bill C7 -Part 3: From Illness to Wellness
Please click the above link for parts 1& 2 of this post, if you haven’t yet caught up! :)
In one overwhelming moment suddenly I was sitting, an all-too-familiar panic attack setting in as I stared at the once-full bottle in front of me. Only this time the panic wasn’t because my auto-immune condition was going into overdrive again. This time I really did have something to panic about.
I was deeply hurting, and therefore deeply hurt…even by those who tried to help. The church has unfortunately failed many people many times over, as have our friends, our family, our community and certainly our government. This is simply a result of us being an imperfect image of a perfect God. For those of us who wake up fighting for a will to live, it is has unfortunately become our role to try and show others what this feels like. Nobody can respond appropriately to something they don’t understand, and I shouldn’t expect them to do so. As I expect others to have compassion on me, I must also show compassion to them.
I remember last year the first time I experienced a moment of childlike wonder. It had been so long, I had forgotten what it felt like, and I sent my cousin the following text:
“…I’m not exactly soaring on cloud 9, but I actually had a moment walking home the other week, where I stopped to look at the sky and felt alive. It wasn’t like being totally normal again but it was this weird suspended moment in time where I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be in awe of God’s handiwork and enjoy being present in the moment.”
If you are hurting right now — if you feel as if the darkness is so thick you cannot see your hand in front of your face, may I speak from my scars to yours?
There is Hope.
I know it doesn’t seem like it right now. Or it may be only a sliver on the horizon. But please please know it is so very real!
While on the phone this week, I told my cousin about what I planned to write in the third (and last) part of this blog series. From the very beginning, writing about the steps toward healing has been more uncomfortable than writing about my experience with suicidal ideation. Finally, I figured out the major reasons why this was the case:
The first and most prominent reason writing this publicly is so uncomfortable, is because my story is neither the story I want to tell, nor the story I expected to tell.
For years I heard Christians say that the answer to depression was to just spend more time in reading and prayer with Jesus until he gives you the joy and strength you need. It was never a helpful thing to hear, and while I didn’t believe you should ever tell someone that, deep down I believed that was indeed the answer to my problems — if only I could get myself to be consistent!
Meanwhile, simply managing to roll out of bed each morning required the same energy expenditure as running a half marathon.
Deep down I honestly believed that if I were ever to feel remotely less depressed, it would be because I had become a motivated and sanctified Christian who had successfully spent time with the Lord each morning for a year and therefore He had thus granted me healing.
Not quite like that…but I think I’ve made my point.
And honestly, that’s the story I wanted to tell, because in my head it seemed the only way it could possibly be done that would bring glory back to God. Theology always takes a sharp left turn when we place God’s ability to perform miracles into a box.
No matter how hard I tried, nothing could make it work. And yes, I did ask God for the strength and perseverance, and ability to get up early and all of those things. But here’s the thing:
I was trying to solve a predominantly physical and emotional problem, by giving it solely a spiritual solution!
We are created in the imago dei with a spirit, soul and body: this means that as God exists as Holy Spirit, the I AM, and the Word made Flesh, so are we made spiritual, emotional and physical beings.
And so as I begged God to heal me, he began to impress a few questions on my heart. While these may be Biblically rooted concepts, please continue reading even if you don’t consider yourself a Christian, as many are very practical and helpful. God is a logical God, after all!
These are not meant to be overwhelming and discouraging to you if you are struggling with your mental health…if you aren’t “there” yet that’s OKAY! Rest, and be assured that you are so valued, and the time will come! :) I mean frig, it took me 7 years and I still think it’s a miracle that God allowed all this to happen at the same time. Also, I still have major work to do in all of the following areas. But they’ve been huge in helping me … here goes…
Do you want to be healed? (John 5:6)
This is perhaps going to be a distasteful opinion to some, and I understand that. My story is a little bit different, because I believe that many of my symptoms of depression arise from a problematic autoimmune system (that’s a whole other blog-post-worth of processing in itself), and therefore my mental health has a major physical component. I certainly don’t think this is the answer to any and all mental health problems, but it’s certainly worth noting:
Did I want to be healed?
Jesus asks the man lying as a paraplegic this question, and anyone listening would think it to be absolutely nutty. But here is the reality.
Being sick gave me less responsibility! I could push my purpose aside because I was too exhausted/ sad/ depressed/ nauseous/ headachy/ joint-achey. Was I too exhausted to make dinner for Dennet? Or did the thought of having to make dinner for him exhaust me?
Yet, at the same time…I knew if God were to heal me (both from mental illness, and this blasted autoimmune condition) that I would have far more responsibility in surrendering my life to what He asked me to do. He gives me the exact amount of energy I need to to accomplish His purpose. More energy= more purpose to accomplish.
Are you presenting your body as a living sacrifice? This is a reasonable act of worship! (Romans 12:1)
This has multiple implications…I needed to give the energy and abilities I did have back to God — no matter how slim and meager they were. I don’t want to give God a body back that is full of horrible food, and a mind full of meaningless TV shows. (I’m not saying never eat tasty food or watch TV. but what is the incentive and is it filling you to the point you can’t maintain your S,P, &E health?) I have 100% used TV as a means of avoiding emotional trauma, living vicariously through fictional characters and basically turning myself into a zombie.
There were times when I was truly and horribly sick both mentally and physically, and needed to listen to the body God gave me and slow down. I would go and go until I made myself literally ill because I refused to let myself be a “less energetic” person than I once had been. I was obsessed with my own independence…unless it was Dennet. I expected him to fulfill every single thing I was to proud to ask from others, and when he didn’t my hurt would fire into an anger that terrified me. It was killing him and our marriage.
See, God gave me exactly as many hours in a day as He planned for me to accomplish his purposes. If I was truly horribly sick, than I guess He made me a person who needs to rest. Instead of feeling guilty and miserable, I can spend the time resting — and that rest is still honoring Him! By the way, I don’t mean clocking a one hour slot for a nap or bingewatch into your day. I mean living restfully….
Leave early and stop to look at the view along the way.
Stop to pick a flower as you walk.
Admire the sky after parking your car in the evening.
Walk barefoot somewhere and marvel at the feeling of the ground under your toes.
Sit down somewhere in your home with nothing in your hands and simply look around and think.
In short: make time to allow your daily habits to happen more slowly and meaningfully.
The second part of “being a living sacrifice”, which is kind of a byproduct of the above, is that I began to see God has less of just a daily timeslot, and more of a person to “do life” with throughout my day. Not just in my speech, but realizing that each time I mopped a floor, or helped a resident at work, or stuck a flower in my hair, or even just chose not to blow up in an argument — this was offering my body and mind to God. The reality is that through this I gradually began to crave time in God’s word anyway, because it helped me understand Him more! When I chose to “do life” not only for Him, but with Him, everyday things became an act of worship.
It was no longer only about the times I spent sitting with my piano or guitar desperately longing to have “that feeling” back. (If you’ve been in an evangelical church or worship night, you know the one I’m talking about.) But worshiping God isn’t about that feeling, and if I spend my whole time chasing it, as I often have, I will miss out on the times he is there quietly and consistently in the mundane.
Do you have undealt with relational issues?(Proverbs 12:24)
Proverbs says “pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” It’s only logical that the opposite state of mind would have an opposite effect.
Straight up? The pursuit of forgiveness sucks.
This is something that’s been a longer process than just this year, and has required a lot of awkward conversations, and a few very long letters written from the emotional depths of my soul. I wish I could say that every attempt at restoration has resulted in a perfect harmony, but it’s just not true. Some of these have slowly faded away, some have remained casual acquaintanceships, some are growing slowly, and in one case I truly gained back a long-lost and extremely valuable relationship.
Here was the determining factor in each situation:
I have learned (the hard way unfortunately) that genuinely apologizing for how I have hurt others must be more important than expressing the ways which they have hurt me.
In some cases this may require explaining your own hurt…in some it might not even be worth mentioning. I have to have chosen to forgive them before I get even start the conversation— regardless of whether or not they ever see “my side of the story.” If my forgiveness is dependent on whether or not they change, it isn’t forgiveness at all.
In nearly every situation this brought me a huge amount of mental freedom. Both because I am doing what God asks, but also… he asks us to do this because He is smart and realizes we carry around a huge burden of emotional baggage when we bear grudges, or needlessly self-shame.
In every way I have sinned against someone, Jesus has already payed the price on the cross. I no longer have to feel self-hatred for how I treated another individual, because I asked Jesus to forgive me. He does, and He says he doesn’t even remember what I’ve done (or said because I have a big ol’ mouth!) anymore. So why should I sit around hating myself for something the God of the universe no longer remembers?
To paraphrase a friend’s words from a recent sermon:
“God’s plans aren’t so small that they can be hindered by your personality.”
I mentioned earlier (way up at the top of this exceedingly long post), that there were two reasons why I was more uncomfortable sharing my healing process, than my illness. The second is this:
Vulnerability is hard. But,
have you ever noticed that it’s easier to be honest about our pain, than it is to be honest about our joy?
Pain is unfortunately concrete. It may lessen slightly when shared, or deepen slightly when misunderstood. Yet for long period of time, it remains undisturbed in it’s unchanging grim reality. Oddly, it’s familiarity can even become a way which we believe ourselves to have semblance of control.
When we share our pain, in a way we have nothing to lose. You’re already hurting, so it can only get so much worse. Joy on the other hand, is far more risky because there is something to lose! If we share it with the “wrong person” it can fizzle out like a floating spark — hovering for a brief moment and then disappearing into our darkness.
I had become subconsciously terrified to experience, much less share small joys with another person!
To share is to be vulnerable. It was opening myself to the possibility that the other person might not absolutely jump for joy at the silly song I made up, join me in flailing around in these odd movements I called “dance”, spin along through the long grass in an open field, do spontaneous cartwheels under the clear blue sky of a summer day, or laugh as hard as I do at a video that made my stomach hurt….
but you know what?
Their unfavorable response doesn’t make these moments any less valuable.
And the more I have chosen to pursue my purpose, to make everyday decisions that promote holistic healing, and to restore relationships rather than wallowing in self hatred…
…the easier it is to choose joy, and to share that joy with others!
Even if they don’t reciprocate. Because my joy no longer relies on their response, but in the reality that as God becomes more real to me, I am more confident in who He has created me to become…and frankly I just no longer need to care if they find childlike happiness in my moments of joy or not.
And if they do???
Well, I have found myself a true friend with whom we can be all the kinds of vulnerable together! In pain…and in joy! The fragile floating spark will meet those of the people around you…
“when you let your light shine, you give others permission to do the same”
…and perhaps create a shower of sparks, or even a burning flame which enables warmth, community and vulnerability as it pierces the darkness.
Here is a more concise, straightforward and practical list things which I believe are making a difference in improving my mental health this past year and hopefully in the years to come. I’ve included a couple of shout-outs along the way…because I would never be here without the people God brought to speak a “word in season.” I hope some of these may help you!
- I allowed myself to have vulnerable conversations with trusted people (thanks Josh!)
- I realized that my physical health played a huge part in my mental well-being (thanks Andy!)
- I had to choose that I wanted to be healed (thanks Jesus!)
- Based on the above, I changed my diet to help my extremely messed-up autoimmune system (thanks Dad & Harriet!)
- I started walking everyday (thanks residents who needed a quarantine break!)
- I consciously chose to embrace and uproot the pain and grief of the many losses experienced in my life (thanks Dennet!)
- I allow myself time to process through writing, music and art (thanks AJ, Nate and Edwin!)
- I got integrated in a community where I had purpose and felt valued for how God made me (thanks work fam!)
- I intentionally cultivated relationships with two friends who prayed with me & checked in nearly every day(thanks Alana and Tara!)
- I have a husband who absolutely refused to give up on me even when it just about killed him (I realize this isn’t a universal option. Find someone who won’t give up on you though…or choose to never give up on someone else!)(thanks Dennet again and pretty much for everything ever!)
- I got a cat (thanks Story! Sorry Hercules, you’re a major brat :P)
- I chose to trust God’s word, even when I don’t understand it (thanks Billy Graham)
- I chose to look for answers to those things I didn’t understand, and be okay with not knowing when I didn’t immediately find an answer(thanks Marita!)
- I chose to talk to God about everything…even things I didn’t want to admit to myself
- I started spending time in musical worship when I didn’t know how to read or pray
- I chose to reconcile broken relationships by writing letters to people
- I chose to embrace moments of childlike joy, like running in the rain…even when I felt silly (thanks Mike!)
- I allowed myself to feel anger instead of suppressing it, and take the time to pinpoint the root (usually unprocessed grief) and ask God for self-control when it overwhelms me.
- I stopped expecting myself to crumble in the face of adversity
- I chose to stop hating myself for my failures, instead asking God to help me be who He made me to become…and then being thankful for what that means even if it isn’t “typical”! (thanks Pastor Chris)
- I made myself a fight song playlist on Spotify. When the devil came to play and whisper lies to my mind, I would turn up the music and scream back truth. Literally.
- I focused on caring for others instead of thinking about myself first. The gospel is not a “me first” message, and Jesus took off his oxygen mask to give it to you. When you make valuing others your purpose, it makes all the difference in the world.
- I allowed myself to feel other’s pain, and my own self-pity diminished as a result.
- Covid gave me temporary space from people who made me feel panicky, overwhelmed or unsatisfactory, *in effort to return with a clean perspective and build a stronger relationship. (I hesitate to mention it because I think it’s NOT healthy if done out of resentment or self-isolation!!!)
- Oh, also…I’ve personally never taken medication (due to fear of messing with my thyroid). But if you need them, please follow the advice of your doctor. And if you are someone who thinks medication is for the weak…just no. Google please.
- AND…I also didn’t have the opportunity to see a therapist in the past year. I have in the past however, and it majorly helped. So please go if you need one. Or even if you think you don’t!
My pursuit of mental-wellness will likely never be over. It is possible, if not probable, that I will never live without some level of suicidal ideation. However, when Death comes and stares me in the face, I am ever-so-slowly learning how to wave from a distance and choose to walk the other way. I have victory over death through Jesus…I don’t need to be afraid when he threatens me. Sometimes it’s just hard to feel that it’s true.
I don’t think my extremely long self-analysis is a “cure” to mental illness, and obviously I am mainly focused on depression and suicidal ideation here rather than other diagnoses. However, the brain is highly plastic, which actually means there are things we can do to help ourselves head in the right direction! (Just like eating healthy won’t necessarily cure cancer, but it will probably majorly improve your prognosis).
Please, please…find a consistent support system, and make sure your medication/ whatever else you need is fairly stable if you’re going to try and brave any of this stuff. Uprooting your life trauma to pursue healing is really flipping difficult, and usually feels a lot worse before it gets better.
It probably won’t happen overnight. And just like I had to pull up some wild strawberries when I uprooted a giant root system that was taking over my yard this afternoon, you will probably find yourself losing some things you thought were good in the digging process. My prayer for you is that someday you will wake up in the morning and realize the day looks just a little brighter, and the birds are singing a more cheerful tune than they were the day before! In the meantime know that you are so so loved, valuable, and created for a purpose even as you sit in the darkness waiting for the morning sun to rise again.
