“I sat in the gymnasium, looking towards the play production that was taking place. My 9 year old self scanned the stage and settled with curiosity on a girl singing along with the choir. Nature had taken its course on her development significantly earlier than the rest of us, and there was no ignoring that she had obtained what we had not yet. However, something greater than curiosity made me look furtively right and left to my two friends. I felt that perhaps they could read my thoughts. Or maybe hoped that they were thinking the same thing, but they looked on ahead oblivious to my discomfort. I turned my gaze back to the girl in front, and then away again. Although I did not fully understand my attraction, self-disgust simmered up, and I quickly slammed shut that door in my mind.”

To my fellow followers of Jesus,

I have chosen to write this letter, not because I wish to draw attention to myself, but because I wish to draw attention to my Savior, who has given me a greater joy than I could ever obtain by pursuing my own desires.

I have decided to hold on to the promise that “There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out all fear.” That fear has been there since the day I accepted the truth about myself. Fear of what others will say of me and the repercussions of the grapevine, as well as fear of what I think of myself, and the shame that I still fight on a regular basis. Yet who am I to disregard what God can choose to do through me? Rather I have decided to hold on to the promise that my identity is secure in Him. He promises “Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, and you are mine.”

I pray no matter your current lifestyle, sexual orientation, religion, or political stance, you will choose to accept His promise as well.

The aforementioned moment from my childhood is only the introduction of the places my mind has gone. To think that way was unacceptable…and yet I was ever so aware of her presence when she was nearby. I picked up on details about what she liked and who she spent time with by overhearing conversations, no matter how hard I tried to think of anything else. After leaving elementary school, and that specific female behind me, I buried every recollection of her as deep as I could. When driving or walking past her house, I turned my head the other way, willing myself to forget. Another door was pulled closed behind me, and locked tightly with a lie.

High School brought a new group of friends, and we teased each other incessantly about the things that mattered in life. I was known as the “Bible-Cowgirl”, and my friends joked that as the devout Christian, I was going to be the one who would come out of the closet years down the road after we had graduated. I laughed along with them, shoving up against another door and allowing it shut with a bang. This time I barely even noticed the lie, I was so used to believing it.

Being attracted to women was not something I could choose. In fact I tried time and time again to choose otherwise. And now I’m in college and encountering the topic of sexuality nearly every single day. For my generation, sexual expression has become one of the most essential aspects of our identity. The church is losing members who are stepping out the closet and into a culture which, unlike the Church, accepts them for all that they are. As a result, the Church is accused of being intolerant and unaccepting of what the culture has esteemed to be one of the most defining measures of identity and self fulfillment.

What the church needs to understand is that they have failed to rebel against the culture’s standard, because in running so far the opposing direction, they have come full circle.

Many individuals in our culture imply that, “the body and physical pleasure are so important that I could never be fulfilled if I were to limit my sexual expression.”

Meanwhile, the conservative church tends to imply that, “the soul and spirit are so important that our physical desires, particularly those for sexual pleasure, are frightening and taboo.”

In both cases you have removed the soul and body from one another. While the cultural standpoint neglects the existence and sensitivity of our soul, the Church’s view neglects the importance and beauty of our physical bodies as God created them. For both the Church and culture this results in a masked understanding of one another and of God.

This disconnect between the Church and culture manifests in differing views about human identity. This, in turn, sometimes renders the terminology of the church, particularly the phrase “hate the sin but love the sinner”, unhelpful and hurtful. While I agree that it is possible to distinguish between the sin and the sinner because my identity is not rooted in what I do or consume, the phrase becomes problematic because we as a Church often misunderstand how to put it into practice. In order to do this, we first need to implement it at the personal level; what is the difference between hating my sin, and hating myself?

“yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 1 Corinthians 7:9–10

When I dwell on the result of my sin — be it a feeling of shame, or the consequences of my own actions, then I am hating the sinner: in this case, myself. This is what Paul calls “worldly sorrow”. When I recognize how my actions have hurt the heart of an all-loving God and/or His creation, only then have I learned to hate the sin, and not the sinner. This is Godly sorrow. Knowing that our identity is rooted securely in God, we are able to recognize the sin in what we do without bearing shame about who we are. However, until we have learned to distinguish between true repentance and self loathing, it is impossible to accurately have this heart towards others.

In contrast, culture often interprets disagreement with one’s actions as an attack on their identity. In light of these different views held by the Church and culture, telling someone who is attracted to the same sex that they cannot have a relationship of their choosing, seems to to them that you are saying they have an unacceptable identity. They are hearing Christians preach that, for them, humanity’s foremost desire to be loved and accepted unconditionally, can never be met. This message may result in them questioning if our God creates mistakes, otherwise He would not have created an individual who cannot experience intimacy and satisfaction through loving a member of the same sex.

It is unhelpful to discourage an individual from pursuing their passions, if they do not have an alternate source of joy. It is dehumanizing to delegitimize their form of identity without showing them that they have been given a greater, concrete identity, having been created to know an all-wise, and all-loving Father. It is unreasonable to expect someone to run from sexual fulfillment without leading them to the only one who truly fulfills the desires of our body, soul and spirit combined.

As I struggled with my sexuality, I found this to be somewhere the Church is in deep need of growth and understanding. Rather than pointing to God as a greater source of love, identity and fulfilment, I have observed that the Church often reinforces marriage as the primary goal in these pursuits.

How many times have you, as a Christian, sat in a church service about the importance or key to godly marriage? How many articles have you read on the Internet about knowing the Lord’s will for a partner? How many times have you talked about a member of the opposite sex, wondering if you had found “the one?” How many times have you heard the preacher refer to “the most beautiful picture of Christ and His Church”? We have over-preached and and over-emphasized the beauty of marriage until, just like the inordinate desire of man towards man, we have created an inordinate desire out of a godly marriage. In both cases, you are longing after someone other than Jesus Christ himself. Our message is no longer the gospel of Jesus, but a matrimonial gospel in which following Christ will bring us a happy love life, a godly family, and “permitted” sex through marriage. We are desiring a godly relationship, instead of God himself.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another(…) If you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity. For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ. You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men. So, brothers, in whatever condition each is called, there let him remain with God “

Whether our identity is found our sexuality, a “godly marriage”, an education, or anything else; all are inordinate desires. Both are making a poor attempt to replace the authenticity of finding true freedom in Jesus. We’ve missed what Paul says: “in whatever condition each is called, there let him remain with God.” Paul asks those who are called to singleness to remain that way, because He knows from experience that Jesus is our only true love. He is the only one in whom we can find absolute satisfaction. Whether single or dating or married…our goal is Christ, and He is our relationship. When our goal becomes Jesus, then perhaps those who struggle with being open regarding their sexuality will finally realize that they don’t need to be ashamed, or endure judgement, or have a spouse and children. Singleness is a blessing from God as well, and until we learn to find satisfaction in Him, we will never find it in anyone else.

As Jesus died, He spent three hours in total physical and spiritual darkness feeling the shame of my mistakes. The perfect man became everything that I am ashamed of, so that I never have to bare my own shame again. He became my failure, so that my failures no longer define me. I am free, because death- the cost of our sin- was conquered by Jesus when He rose from the grave. He is alive, and as a result, I am driven to live in awe of who He is.

Are you?

I choose to not pursue my attraction to women, because as a Christian my identity does not lie in my sexual orientation. My identity is found in the person of Jesus Christ, and He has proved himself a greater fulfillment than any other desire.

He has knit me together in my mother’s womb, and with fear and wonder knew me before I ever existed. The Creator of our Universe is not the maker of mistakes.

He is the maker of opportunity.

“Love is (not) love.”
God is the maker of love.
He is Love Himself.

He is the beginning of wisdom, and the end of our fears.

He is the maker of each and every individual; he authors our beginning to our end.

Because of Jesus, I have opened the doors that were once slammed shut and realized that I am bisexually attracted.

I am not stepping out of the closet, and living in a cultural opinion of my identity.

I am stepping out, and I am breaking free as a child of God.

“So therefore if the Son [Jesus] sets you free, you will be free indeed!”